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This post is very heavy/emotional and primarily about the illness and loss of a beloved pet, I REALLY do not recommend reading if you are not in a good frame of mind.

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I don't really make personal life posts, despite having a page for them, but I have been having a rough time since losing my cat Buffy a week ago. There's no way I can do her justice in describing how much of a perfect sweet baby angel she was. We had her in our life for almost nine years, and due to our life circumstances someone was home with her 24/7 for essentially her entire life. She was so incredibly sweet to us, always wanted to be around and cuddling from the day we collected her. She was messy with her food, giddy with her play time and toys, and even when she was 'naughty' it was cute and silly. She was loved by everyone that that ever met her, and many who didn't get a chance but absorbed her through photos and us raving about her. She was our entire life, and it's very hard to accept that she isn't here anymore.

The total abject sadness of losing her comes and goes at random times, but it mostly hits when I am alone. I think it's a case of instinctively being 'stronger' around others for their benefit (which has developed from being a carer, and previously a nurse), as it is not a front I am actively putting on or can control. I generally don't 'expect' or 'plan' to feel a certain way about future events (as that's a good source of anxiety) and I don't think it's really possible to predict how you will feel in every situation, but I did think I might be more able to handle this grief. I have dealt with grief and loss a lot in relation to chronic illness and ongoing isolation related to that, and frankly as a nurse I have learned of, and in some cases watched, numerous human beings I have provided care for pass away. You are forced to develop some ability to deal with these things otherwise you can not function in those circumstances. All of that seems to go out the window when the one that passes away means so much much more to you.

I think unconsciously I started this site as a distraction/coping thing when Buffy first started stuggling with weight loss in April. I was desperately spending every day trying to get her to eat more and gain back weight with some periods of improvement in the past few months. Eventually she was diagnosed with lymphoma and had started treatment for it, but the vets could offer no real estimate of what time she had left. It was pretty clear when her last day with us came, we spent the entire time holding her wrapped up in a blanket together and telling her how loved she is.

Since then it has been hard in a lot of little ways; I'm thinking I see her around the house but it's something else, the few seconds after waking up expecting her to jump on me before I remember, thinking I hear her hopping on something in another room, and even using doors differently. We always had to keep them slightly open for her to sneak though or she would SCREAM at us, she could not be contained.

Thinking of all of the nice memories we have had with Buffy has been a big comfort though, especially as we have endless photos and videos to relive them with. We know we were able to provide her with a wonderful life full of constant love and attention. I have also found some comfort in time spent with a version of Buffy in my Minecraft world. I didn't think that would be the case but having this named grey and white cat follow me around with little meows and purrs feels a bit like she's still around and I was honestly breaking down over it. Little nuanced behaviours like her going off in a random direction, hopping in the way while I'm trying to do something, and how she flops on your tummy purring when you go to sleep, all mirror how she acted in real life. I might try and 'visit' her in some other games after this like Stardew, and I know Sea of Thieves makes your controller vibrate with your pet cat's purring, that might be nice.

I think I am writing this post because I sometimes come across new ways of thinking, understanding, and coping when reading stuff from other people, even when it is sad, and maybe someone can take something from this. I can't really predict how I am going to feel in the coming weeks and months, I may become very quiet and unmotivated here, or inversely find this site to be a welcome distraction again, we'll see. No matter what, Buffy will be on my mind for the rest of my life ♡